I think it's easy for me to forget what it's like in the early days of sobriety. What white knuckling it to get through the day is like when you are 3 days sober. 7 days. 28 days. I am grateful that I actually am able to go back and read exactly how I was feeling on day 3. Day 7. Day 28. And you can do that too - just go back to the early days of this blog and you will fall right back into my headspace. You will see what a mess I was back then. And how far I have come.
It's good for me to read what I wrote back in 2020, and I spent some time last night flipping through some old blog posts.
Some of it is hard to read. The fear. The anger. The loneliness. It was all so raw.
Early on when all I wanted was to pour a glass of wine to forget about all the feelings and during the evening hours, I had no idea if I would make it to next day. Then the next morning I would wake up feeling like a warrior. Like I had conquered a fucking war. The feelings of elation. The ups and downs. The 5am tears. The sobbing on the peloton wondering - why me???
Are you feeling like that is you right now - in the midst of Dry January? I hear you. I feel you. Keep going. I vividly recall the emptiness and all the questioning. But you are not alone.
I wondered where my friends were? Why did they stop calling? Did people not like me anymore? Would I even have friends after this was all said and done? Was it worth it? Was I even fun anymore? Would I EVER have fun again? These feelings were so real I could taste them through my tears.
Would this really make me a better mom? A more loving wife? I hoped down in the depths of my being that sobriety would make me learn more about myself.
Yes. It does.
I am here - more than two years later to tell you - life is so much richer, fuller and more pure in sobriety. Keep going. Please don't give up on yourself. It's so fucking hard in those early days - but don't stop.
They say a craving for alcohol only lasts 20 minutes. If that's the case, when you recognize the familiar wine witch or that manipulative voice inside, do something drastic - go for a walk. Change your routine. Call a friend. Send me an email!! Don't give up on yourself.
