I am not a big fan of holidays in general. I realized yesterday that I have had a dull headache all week, and that is likely because I have been carrying a bit of stress in my shoulders. I think it is because it is Easter weekend. I feel a lot of pressure to make the holiday special for the kids and at the same time it reminds me of how I used to drink to cope with this stress. And Easter still brings a tiny bit of shame for me. Easter has always been a holiday filled with drinking.
Several years ago, I forgot to put out the chocolates around the house for the kids from the bunny. I got too drunk hanging out at the neighbors house and just completely forgot to set up the mini Easter egg hunt for the kids. Fortunately, my children were young enough and didn't know the difference and were happy with the toys I managed to put out. A few years back, I walked to a different neighbors late at night to borrow some plastic Easter eggs, the night before Easter, and I ended up staying for tequila shots. I stumbled home drunk an hour later and puked in the bushes out front.
Every year, the hangover that I would have on the morning of Easter was debilitating and awful. I always woke up anxious and feeling badly about myself as a mother and the only way to manage that was to drink again. So, I usually started drinking before our neighborhood Easter egg hunt at 11AM, which sent me right back into a downward spiral. Because for me, it wasn't just one mimosa. And with our friends, it turned into an all day long drinking affair, which I was not equipped to handle. I had no stop button and no ability to control myself. While some of my friends were able to drink more slowly or stop at a certain point in the afternoon, I could not. I wanted to go all day, and the afternoon always ended in a blackout.
Obviously, these memories and feelings are all a thing of the past now. This Easter was good. We are here today, enjoying our holiday, and I am sober. We are together, as a family. We are creating Easter memories at our new home by the river. We went out for brunch. We came home and snuggled in front of the tv, watched movies and made popcorn. It has been a quiet, lazy day, and it is nice knowing this is not because of mommy's hangover.
Today, I was happy to wake up with a clear head. I was grateful not to be trapped in the unforgiving fog of booze.
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